Newborn Envy

I recently had Newborn Envy.

No, I wasn’t plagued with jealousy or resentment over my partner’s relationship with our baby – our youngest is three, so I’m well past that stage, anyway – but rather with what might well be a male version of ‘cluckiness’.

The Envy was a result of a workmate’s first baby.

Prior to his announcement that he was going to be a dad, I’d shared with Jarrod many of my frustrations as a father of three.

Toddler tantrums, relationship issues, lack of downtime, financial pressures – I didn’t hold back.

“It’s beautiful but ball-breaking,” was my mantra.

Luckily, my words didn’t dissuade him, and as his wife’s due date neared, I toned down my language in favour of more supportive messages, such as “run while you can!” and “your life is over!”

When I received word that he’d joined the ranks of fatherhood, that mother and baby were well, and that he’d followed through with his threat to name his child after my first-born (not true but I’ll run with it), I smiled inside.

“That’s great,” I thought.

And then: “Bloody hell, it’s all ahead of you.”

He also had the look of the first-time dad; a swaying mix of pride, joyousness and uncertainty.

Then the photos came through. His little girl, swaddled, eyes closed, unmarked, had that look of perfection that so many newborns nail.

And Jarrod, nursing the little human that was about to shake up his world, also had the look of the first-time dad; a swaying mix of pride, joyousness and uncertainty.

Jarrod is 10 years my junior – a little younger than I when my Edie was born – and possesses the right mix of reliability, laidbackness and upbeatness to be a great dad. Of course, these traits may be worn down as the next 12 months unfurl but that is then, and this is now, and if there’s ever a moment in life when time ought stand still – even for just a little while – it’s now.

Just like I was almost seven years ago, Jarrod is swimming in magic – “It’s a rush, that’s for sure,” he told me via text message – and there’ll be nothing to take the smile off his face.

As there shouldn’t: that first-born feeling at the hospital, while your partner is still bed-bound and the nurses are guiding lights, is a once-in-a-lifetime one.

Would I go back there, though? No chance.