A Decade of Dad-Tweets
Twitter really hit its straps in the past decade as a platform for live commentary and shrewd observation. Those of comedic bent hit it up multiple times a day to deliver pithy one-liners — and parenting bloggers are certainly no exception.
As dad-blogging spiked significantly in the 2010s, much like mummy blogs in the noughties, so too did the number of Twitter pages run by men sharing the ups, downs and merry-go-rounds of fatherhood. We’ve rounded up 26 of our favourites of the past decade.
Happy new year, and here’s to more dads giving us well-needed chuckles in the “twenties”.
#moderndadlife
Me: Are you awake?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2019
7-year-old: Yes.
Me: Are you out of bed?
7: You're asking too much.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 8, 2019
– I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was "too wet"
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister "keeps looking at him"
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)
How about your kid?
It’s 5pm.
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 17, 2019
2 year old is being suspiciously quiet in the lounge.
I go in to investigate.
What is the worst that could happen?
HE
IS
ASLEEP
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also she is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2019
My kids are watching videos of other people playing video games.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 13, 2018
What a time to be alive.
[Ordering in the drive thru]
— The Dad (@thedad) August 19, 2019
Can you make the kids meals the same, please? Please, exactly the same. I mean Exactly. The. Same. They WILL count the fries.
The biggest marketing lie to parents is “fun for the whole family.”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 13, 2019
#multiplekids
*me, at liquor store
— The Alex Nevil, War on Christmas Survivor (@TheAlexNevil) October 3, 2017
“Hi. I have to attend three kids parties this weekend. What would you suggest?”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 9, 2017
My wife grabbed my butt last night, not to be sexy, but because she was checking a diaper in her dreams. We've been parents for too long.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) September 4, 2017
Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 22, 2019
#awkward
Daughter: What does gays mean?
— Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) September 11, 2018
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiny human crack an egg.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 4, 2018
One night before bed my kid asked me to sing a new song, but the only one I could think of at the time was the fresh prince of bel air theme.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 6, 2019
This is how millennial lullabies are born.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
#dadmoves
My dad NEVER asks for his picture to be taken. Then today he asks for his pic, and does THE MOST EXTRA dad thing ever. pic.twitter.com/tjXpcM6TZp
— Julie Brinkman (@famousamos_12) August 9, 2018
Pulling the family SUV over and yelling "I'm not afraid to turn this thing around."
— Classic Dad Moves (@CIassicDadMoves) February 13, 2017
#fromthearchives
3 year old: What's neglect mean?
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) April 26, 2016
Me: Shhh daddy's playing video games.
[Saturday 6:13 am]
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 30, 2015
Daddy I know you wanted to sleep in but the TV won't work & I can't open the milk & the dog puked & I think I'm bleeding
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 6, 2015
I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 13, 2013
#dadjokes
Son: have you seen my sunglasses?
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 19, 2018
Me: no, have you seen my dadglasses? pic.twitter.com/PnwRPCCHDO
My sister once asked my dad what he thought of her dating someone named Hansel, all he said back was "I bet you'd reGRETEL that" #DadQuotes
— Hayley (@haythax7) June 14, 2017
Once my dad went to the grocery store n the cashier asked "if u want the milk in the bag" he said, "just leave it in the carton" #DadQuotes
— Marcos (@MarcosAmparo3) June 14, 2017
"I don't trust these trees, son…"
— Jack Morrison (@StayFrosty76) July 12, 2017
"They seem pretty shady."#DadJokes
I remember as a kid my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing but when I got home, the signs were all there.
— Adam Pacitti (@adampacitti) July 26, 2018