Dispelling the ‘Mr. Mom’ Myth
Thanks for your time, Jeremy. Let’s go back to 2010 and 2011. Why did you embark on a book about being a SAHD?
After I became a stay-at-home dad, I received a lot of negative backlash (some positive too, but a lot of negative) and it kind of sucked. I looked into the idea of finding support in the form of books and there were really very few options out there. Earlier in 2011, I had published my first novel and had the foundation (my own publishing company) to contribute. The title came to me in conversation about how dads are perceived in the media (commercials showing dads to be incapable of even basic household tasks like laundry or diaper-changing) and how the old Keaton movie still stood as the most visible example of the inept-dad-at-home concept. I wanted to share some real stories from actual dads doing the job, instead of what TV commercials and movies showed.
Could you talk us through how you chose the dad-writers that made the final cut?
It was actually pretty easy to decide. I like that we had some representation from countries other than the US and several of the authors were also writers, so they were not terribly written. I think this is because my internet social circle at the time was connected to lots of other writers like myself and aspiring writers (or spouses of writers; one of the essays is written by the husband of a now-popular cosy mystery writer). This made it easier to whittle down the entries into a nice variety of stories. Some of the stories (like my own) had a bit of a sour-tasting bitterness to them and others were humorous. Most importantly, all of them were real and I think that shows throughout the book.
How long did it take to get the book up, from initial queries to publication?
It was surprisingly fast. My calls for essays spread around the online dadosphere pretty fast (Twitter was a big boon) and I received a good number of submissions within a week or two. As I said above, several of the dads were also writers so the editing process was not as intensive as it could have been otherwise. Since I already had a foundation and experience with formatting, that part was pretty simple. I also had a great cover artist already on board because she did the lettering work on the covers for my fiction releases. (As an aside: the cover, which I still love, is actually a picture of myself and my middle son who was just over a year old at the time.)
So beginning to end? Just over a month. Which still shocks me. The first call for submissions went out on October 6, 2011, and it was published on November 13, 2011. In retrospect (and in the subsequent years of understanding the industry better), I should have held off and worked more on marketing before launch but those are the lessons we learn with experience.
The modern home has been developed according to the designs of the 1940s and 50s and is set around the dutiful housewife. Just ripping out a woman and plugging in a man, without any regard for the context does not make the man as good as the woman. We need an inherently different way of setting up a household when the man is the householder.
– Gerhi Feuren, extract from Bumming in the Margins.
Do you still hear the term “Mr. Mom” being bandied about?
I do, but most people around me know not to use it since I don’t like it. I am less bitter than I was seven years ago; probably a mixture of age and a reduction of insecurity over it. At the end of the day, I don’t really care what people think anymore as long as my partner and my children are happy with what I do for them. I think it has helped to get more positive feedback over the years (especially from some of my eldest son’s teachers and the school mums who I’ve befriended over the years). So I don’t really correct people if they use the term anymore. I don’t take it as a personal affront like I once did and have matured enough and am comfortable enough to brush it off.
Do you think the perspective on at-home dads has shifted since 2011?
I think pop culture still lags considerably behind but writers’ rooms for TV shows are a large boat to turn around. They often fall back on stereotypes and overused gags like “bumbling incompetent dad” to get cheap laughs. Of course, in my older, wiser, years, I feel it’s more important for dads to get out there and demonstrate that the stereotypes are false instead of rail against TV shows and movies’ representation of us.
What’s been the biggest challenge of being a SAHD for you personally?
This is one of the many cycles I hope to break by encouraging my sons to learn how to cook. My eldest already can make basic breakfast (eggs, bacon, etc.) and it’s a valuable life lesson.
Dads have had to navigate some big changes in dynamic in recent decades. How do you think we’re shaping up?
I think we’re getting better, overall. At the same time, I still think we have a way to go. I still harken back to the Gloria Steinem quote that I mentioned in the intro to Myth of Mr. Mom: “It’s really important that kids grow up knowing that men can be as longing and nurturing as women can be.” This is how we can break the cycle of stereotyping men as inept and, at the same time, help kick to the kerb toxic masculinity that encourages men to embrace being inept under the guise of “being a man!”. No one book or movie or TV show is going to do that. It’s gonna take a generation of men raising other men to understand it and shift the cultural perspective.
What was the dad-blogging scene like back in 2010-11?
They were out there. There was a small circle that I recall. I personally did not consider myself a “dad-blogger” because that was not the primary focus of my own blogging back in those days. I worked more on branding myself with cartoons and my writing than I did as an expert on “being a dad” or what-have-you. I think more positive visibility is always good and it is nice to see more projects like the Good Men Project cropping up. I remember there was an annual meeting in the US of stay-at-home dads run by a group now known as the National At-Home Dad Network (of course, I could never figure out how people attended… I had kids to care for at home!). All in all, I think more exposure is good. More good, engaged dads sharing their stories (be they humorous, enlightening, or angry ranting) is a good thing. The best way to change public perception is to get examples out there that run counter to what the public is used to seeing.
You’re an author, too – tell us a bit about that?
My blog, Toonopolis, started back in 2011 as an author space because everyone said you had to have a blog if you’re going to be an author. So I talked about stuff and started going weekly cartoon reviews. This last a while until I burned out (and had too much real-life responsibility). It sat dormant for a while but now has been revamped into a book review/author blog. I decided to do this because I found it difficult to find book bloggers to review my own books (my young-adult cartoon fantasy series is also called Toonopolis; sense a theme?) because the vast majority of book blogs seem to be focused towards a female audience.
Hence, my Books for Boys blog reviews were started in May of this year. So far, it hasn’t gained a lot of traction but I’ve enjoyed focusing on books that I think young male readers will enjoy. I have received great feedback from young male readers at my children’s school about my own works in that demographic so it seemed fitting I try to highlight even more books that can help engage boys to read. In addition to being the father of three boys, I am also a former high school English teacher so I know first-hand how challenging it can be to get boys to read.
