James Fyffe: Osteopath, Golf Nut, Father of Two

James Fyffe has three main passions: the osteopathy business that he founded in Flemington with his wife of six years, Narelle; golf (“I’m still living in hope that one day I will get down to scratch”); and his two daughters, three-year-old Maija and 15-month-old Sylvie.

With a flexible work-home life that he and Narelle have coordinated, he spreads himself across the three, but it’s the latter that the 39-year-old cherishes – and gets challenged by – the most.

James took some time out of busy schedule to talk to The Dad Website.

Thank you for your time, James. What does being a dad mean to you?

Not being a dad seems a long time ago even though it’s less than 4 years.

It means a lot of different things to me: it means I get to experience the profound joy of lying on the floor cuddling my giggling little girls; that sleep is not essential every night; that five minutes watching the girls play together is more entertaining than anything I’ve ever seen; that a sleep in, day on the couch or night at the movies with my wife is only a memory now; that I have unfathomable privilege to have two beautiful and healthy girls and that comes with unfathomable responsibility.

What has been the single biggest challenge of fatherhood?

Relentlessness. There is an ongoing demand.  It really doesn’t stop.  And, even though most of the demands in isolation may not be that hard, it is the sum of it all that is challenging – and draining.  An example might be when you want to sit down for a minute to have a break.  Next thing you have to get up to stop the little one falling down a step, then helping the older one with a button, then a drink, then the step again, then cleaning up the spilt drink, then wiping a nose and so on.

It also does not help that energy reserves are consistently lower than they used to be. Our kids haven’t been the greatest of sleepers so the frequent disruption to sleep takes it toll.

Another challenge is the internal conflict that arises when feeling tired, frustrated, impatient at the same time as feeling guilt, that I should be enjoying the precious time I have with my kids.  It’s hard to be consistently gracious.

What aspects of your life have changed aside since starting a family?

As they say in the classics, you don’t know what you got ‘til its gone.  There was a time, which I really took for granted, where I could do whatever I wanted, within reason. Lying on the couch watching a movie on a hungover Sunday afternoon; going out for dinner or a movie with my wife; spontaneously doing anything really. That doesn’t happen so much these days.  We don’t really have family available to us for babysitting so we usually reserve paid care for big-ticket items like weddings.  This isn’t because we are frugal; rather to do with our first child initially having some separation anxiety which resulted in Relle and I being reluctant to leave her.  This may not have helped, but who knows.

Recently we were on a family holiday in Noosa.  It was a beautiful morning (though we were exhausted after not getting much sleep the night before) and we were at the beach building sand castles and swimming. After the kids had had enough we packed up and started walking back to our apartment.  A young couple walked past us on the boardwalk with towels over their shoulder and both holding books.  They were set for a day of lazing at the beach reading, I’m assuming a nap or two, a refreshing swim and maybe repeat.  I think I drooled on myself.

…there is definitely a consistent and positive grounding that comes with being a dad.

What sort of fun stuff do you do with your kids?

The kids are so much fun.  Maija is so bright, creative, obsessed with her clothes, observant, and very thoughtful.  Sylvie is the typical second child: not neglected, but certainly not given the attention of Maija.  She seems a little more independent and slightly less anxious, which in part may be related to our parenting, though I do think there are some predetermined personality traits and not just products of environment.

The kids love going out, particularly if there is a train or a tram involved.  Sometimes I take them by myself into the city or to the Vic Market just for a bit of time out for Relle. It’s so much fun mostly because Maija is rapt and her conversation becomes so entertaining.

Just hanging out with the kids, watching them grow, observing their development is mind-blowing. Spending time with them is very grounding, they really keep you present, and show you how the simple things in life can be so joyful.

How do you think the role of a father is perceived today?

The previous roles of the bread-winning dad and child-rearing mum certainly seem less common these days.  I guess there is less traditional social convention across the board now.  I think dads are spending far more time ‘caring’ for their kids than in times past.  Dads as full-time carers is also not that uncommon.  There seems to be such diversity in people’s work now, most I know don’t do a nine-to-fiver.

My role as a father definitely involves a lot more time as primary carer than the traditional role.   I am so lucky that I am able to spend each morning, all but two dinner times, and plenty of day time mid-week with my girls.

Do you see the world differently now that you’re a dad?

I remember the huge perspective shift when Maija was born.  It was great, no matter how crap the incidentals of my day may have been I felt sort of bullet proof – “nothing matters because I’ve got my little girl”.

This wore off, at least a bit, after a while.  But there is definitely a consistent and positive grounding that comes with being a dad.

I give more thought to broader issues in society as now I have dependents to look out for, not just myself.

Five things your children should know by the time they turn 18?

1. Respect. For themselves and for others.  They should know how to treat people and be clear on how they should be treated, and not compromise this for anyone.

2. That they are privileged in this world and have the opportunity to pursue their dream and make of life whatever they like.

3. How to make good decisions.  That the approval of others should not influence their behaviour and decision making. Trust themselves and their judgement.

4. That they are old enough to know a bit, but there is still plenty to learn.

5. That no matter how adult they think they are they will always be my babies and I will love and support them unconditionally.