Dads don’t do Budgie Smugglers

I used to work with a guy called Ando and Ando had a theory: Once you were a dad you were allowed to wear Speedos at the beach. The flaws of this theory are painfully obvious to most. Beyond the whole “I have procreated; here is my cock, in your face…” issue, the time to adopt the most revealing of beachside outfits isn’t when your once firm physique has started to irretrievably warp into a wobbly dad-bod. Nevertheless, he was adamant that having kids meant it was time for him to shine.

Nevertheless, he was adamant that having kids meant it was time for him to shine.

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Don’t be like Ando”. Put them, and it, away and get yourself some decent boardies. They’ve come a long way in recent years, the rise of “swimshorts” has seen them become less offensive, better cut and now they don’t weigh a tonne when you’ve been in the water. My criteria for choosing boardies is pretty simple:

  • Must have a pocket you can chuck some cash into without having to worry about it floating away.
  • Must not rip in the arse when I bend down to get sand out of the kid’s shoes.
  • Must not make me look like an extra from Hawaii Five-0.

5 Dad-Bod Boardies for the Beach

quiksilverQuiksilver Platypus Amphibian 21” Walkshort. $79.99
In case the ‘Platypus’ bit was a bit ambiguous, they’re also amphibian-esq. I think that means you’re probably safe to wear them in the water. That’s handy. Comfortable, reasonably quick drying and well cut (even if you’re not).

speedoSpeedo Solid Leisure Watershorts. $45.00
Just to show I’m not completely un-Australian and anti-Speedo (Even though I think they’re owned by Americans) these ‘Watershorts’ will dry quickly and are great for “leisure” activities. Buy them at your “leisure”.

screen-shot-2016-09-17-at-3-19-32-pmHurley. $???
I like the Hurleys. But when I tried to search online I kept getting redirected to the Nike Store with an error message. So even though they have some good waterproof boardies, good luck trying to buy some.

ripcurlRipcurl Mirage UTL Combined 19”. $129.99 
The copy on the website states that “the new laser cut drainage holes will release water quickly and increase dry time”. Either they stay dry for longer (?!) or I think they mean “decrease dry time”. This new trend of faster drying boardies is great for anyone who’s been yelled at for sitting on the couch after being in the pool.

orlebar-brownOrlebar Brown Bulldog. $302.00 
Unquestionably one of the first of the modern “swimshorts”. Unquestionably stylish, cool and versatile. Unquestionably overpriced but still good enough to go from pool to poolside restaurant.

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  1. Peter VERNON


    On a recent holiday I needed to buy a pair of swimmers for the first in more than a decade, strangely enough we were nowhere near a beach. So how exactly did I come to a style decision given that I’ve already “irretrievably warp into a wobbly dad-bod”? With one simple question.

    Kim what swimmers would you like to see me in?

    Guess what? Speedos won hands down.

    So end of the day the opinion of the woman I’ve been with for more than thirty years is more important than that of a bunch of strangers that think I’m not magazine material. Go figure. When required Kim also wears bikinis that are considerably ‘briefer’ than those of her peers. Something that keeps me thinking about things other than what the committee of them are saying.

    Oh and if you’re wondering why it’s been so long between swimwear purchases? Well we have our own pool and, as is the case when we head to beaches, it’s a location where swimware is neither needed or worn.

    On that when our grandkids, one as young as four, join us in the pool or beach they simply enjoy the experience rather than worrying about how others look.

  2. Michael Connolly

    IMHO this purely and simply body shaming… No wonder young men of today have so many body image issues! I see many young men even at indoor pools with long board shorts and wearing t shirts, why when there’s no sun to protect them from at indoor pools and it’s not to keep themselves warm because you actually feel colder with wet soggy clothes on…

    Women’s swimwear is getting briefer and briefer yet men’s is getting longer, a couple of years ago I tried to buy a pair of speedo’s (for the rare occasion that I needed them at a public pool, usually I go nude at nude beaches or remote swimming holes/beaches) and a lot of the shops I visited simply did not stock them anymore as they all had board shorts, yet the women’s swimwear range was of every shape and size from 1 piece coverups down to barely there g-strings!

    So please don’t insult those men that choose to wear a speedo and seriously the next time you go swimming in board shorts please take note of how awkward they are to actually swim in….

    • Michael Connolly

      PS: I’m a father of four kids (3boys 20, 17 & 13 & one girl 15) and the only one who has issues with my swimming attire (or lack of) is my youngest son who comments about me wearing brief’s to the pool, the others went through the same stage at his age but have now matured & got over their hang-ups thankfully.

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